Separating the Issues in Your Life

Matthew 16:19-22, And someone came to Him and said, “Teacher, what good thing shall I do that I may obtain eternal life?” And He said to him, “Why are you asking Me about what is good? There is only One who is good; but if you wish to enter into life, keep the commandments.” Then he said to Him, “Which ones?” And Jesus said, “YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT MURDER; YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY; YOU SHALL NOT STEAL; YOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS; HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER; and YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.” The young man said to Him, “All these things I have kept; what am I still lacking?” Jesus said to him, “If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” But when the young man heard this statement, he went away grieving; for he was one who owned much property.

We see in this discourse that Jesus is separating the issues in the rich young ruler’s life. What the young man thought was the issue was not the only issue. We think that there is only one issue in our life to be resolved, and even if we discover that there are actually several, the mistake is made of looking for the one thing that will fix all of the issues at once. The same tool will not fix a flat tire, a sink, a bicycle spoke, and a computer; they all have separate problems that need different tools to repair. One answer does not work for every situation, and any one event carries with it several issues, each with a separate answer. The sign that a believer is looking for the magic elixir that will fix every issue is confusion. Therefore, the issues must be separated and dealt with accordingly, such as when an injustice occurs and spawns the need for blessing those that curse, loving the enemy, forgiveness, and the process of reconciliation that will bring closure. Let us take a look at those issues and break them down one by one.

1.       We must bless those that curse us or they live in our heads and pay no rent.

2.        Loving our enemies is commanded, for He makes His sun to shine on the just and the unjust. He takes no pleasure in the death of the wicked.

3.        Forgiveness is a package. Just as a person cannot hold a tire and tell me he owns an automobile, since a car comprises many parts, so forgiveness has many parts. There is an offense, a break in relationship, confession by the offender, forgiveness given by the offended (there is no forgiveness for unforgiveness), all ending in restoration. Due to its very nature, there is no forgiveness without confession, since the purpose of forgiveness is restoration. “If we confess our sins,” “repent for forgiveness of sins,” and “as often as your brother comes to you,” all show the context of the giving of forgiveness. We must carry a heart of forgiveness so that when it is asked for, we can dispense it freely. Does God forgive without confession? (I am not teaching here about the common concern of, “What if I die and I forgot to confess a sin?” Once a person is in Christ, Jesus died for all of his sins.) Confession for man is cleansing and releasing, but there is a common teaching that believers should go to an offender and offer forgiveness without any acknowledgement from the wrongdoer that a sin was committed. Instructing a young woman that has been abused to go and tell the uncle, “I forgive you,” when the uncle has not asked for forgiveness, usually has a detrimental outcome. I have heard many stories of believers who went to someone to forgive him when it was not in the offender’s heart to ask for it; the offender actually denied it, walked off, and/or condemned the hurt person for making such an accusation. This is soul killing anew for an injured believer. Many will argue that forgiveness is unconditional, but those two words do not go together, for “unconditional” implies that there is no sin, and if no sin, there is no forgiveness. Yet all have sinned, and through confession, “He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” The Prodigal Son asked for forgiveness and was restored. Today there seems to be more emphasis on the need for the offended to forgive when it is not asked for, thus loading responsibility on the victim. Why not call attention to confession of the offender as something that is cleansing and restoring? Those that have sinned against another are cheated when there is no mention of confession. Confession and forgiveness are two words that are inseparable and should remain together. However, the victim is not stuck; there is something to do when confession has not, and may never, come. “Bless those that curse you,” “do good to those that harm you,” and “pray for those that persecute you.” All of these things set us free and make us all the more excited about forgiving, should the occasion arise.

4.       Forgiveness must be given when asked for. “Forgive us (See? We are asking) as we forgive our debtors.” However, there is a process after forgiveness that brings closure. Let me explain. A man has an affair; once it is over, for three years he is tormented. He repents before God and then tells his wife, asking, naturally, for forgiveness. She must forgive. However, this has taken her completely by surprise, and she is extremely hurt. Yet, if she asks any further questions or gets angry in the future, he accuses her of walking in unforgiveness, which covertly shifts the load of the whole event to her shoulders. The children have been hurt, the wife has been embarrassed and betrayed, there is a break in trust, and she has many unanswered questions; she needs closure. Though I do not want to camp at the event and want the couple to move forward, there are a few things that need to be said about forgiveness. Talking will help bring closure. Yes, she must move on, but talking and getting a few answers will help her do so. The same is true for the believer who has lost a loved one due to an injustice such as murder. We hear many stories about murderers asking for forgiveness, which must be granted by the family. However, normal questions ensue, such as, “How did he die? Where did you put the body?” (This was the question asked by the women at the grave of Jesus.) Some believers use an injustice and the lack of repentance to get stuck at a point of hatred and condemnation; there is no profit in that. Hearts are revealed through injustices, confession and forgiveness.

5.        We must and will forgive. However, that does not mean that a lawbreaker should not go to prison. I Peter 3:17, “For it is better, if God should will it so, that you suffer for doing what is right rather than for doing what is wrong.” A couple told me of a man that killed their daughter. From prison the criminal sincerely confessed what he had done and asked for forgiveness. The parents asked what they should do. I said that the couple must forgive and must also let the man serve his prison sentence. Forgiveness and staying in prison are separate issues. Judging the man and putting him in prison is the job of government in order to protect the populace. “For (governments) are a minister of God to you for good. But if you do what is evil, be afraid; for it does not bear the sword for nothing; for it is a minister of God, an avenger who brings wrath on the one who practices evil. Therefore it is necessary to be in subjection, not only because of wrath, but also for the sake of conscience.” The thief on the cross was forgiven but not taken off the cross. Lawbreakers are not victims, but it does amaze me to watch the news and see how the world is consequence conscious and not cause conscious. It seems as though the treatment of those who have caused atrocities (consequence of their actions) is more important than the cause of their being treated that way! The victims of their crimes are looking for assurance that it will not happen again, and that security will not come as long as those that violated them do not ask for forgiveness. (Of course, the opposing danger is that victimization is a religion; it is very addictive.) It reminds me of the Great Depression. It left such an impact on my grandmother that she still saved newspaper, jars, rubber bands, bread wrappers, and more. She never forgot what it was like and never, looking at unrepentant government, regained the confidence that it would not happen again.

6.  Facts do not oppose each other. It is a fact that birds fly and a fact that I cannot. We separate the facts. It is a fact that I love my enemy, it is a fact that I bless my enemy, a fact that my enemy must ask for forgiveness, a fact that when I am asked I must forgive my enemy, and it is a fact that wounds do take time to heal. Each of these facts will come to fullness in our daily lives as He makes them alive according to His own timing.

Repent!

Romans 2:4, “Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?”

Many say they are called to exhort people to repent, but their call so often is exhibited as something of a one-off from what we know the Old Testament prophets were; for them repentance centered more in the root than the fruit as they sought to bring people back to God. Today the call to repentance seems to take the form of spreading a rebuke, such as, “’You think you are saved, but you are not! You call yourselves My children but do not act like My own. If you would have loved Me you would have kept My word. I am going to cut you off and give your portion to those that obey Me,’ thus says the Lord.” It is fairly consistent and only ends in condemnation, even though we know that “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). Men instruct on the topic of discipline with a similar approach and fervor, and that, too, ends in condemnation. The offenders’ sin is pointed out, coupled with a threat to punish. Because of such teaching by the religious who wrongly present God’s judgment, one fellow said, “I wish I would have waited to accept Christ until the last minute, got baptized, and had someone shoot me as I came up out of the water. At least that way I would not have accumulated so much of the judgment of God as a believer.” This man expressed a common feeling that has occurred among Christians throughout the centuries, but this kind of view of judgment is not dealing with the root but rather the behavior, the fruit. There are two types of discipline: one is punishment, which reaps few benefits and is rarely successful, and the other is a self-discipline that takes a person back to Christ. A Christian who finds himself continually in the deeds of the flesh does need discipline, but it is that found within himself that can enable him to begin and end each day recognizing the presence of Christ. It is our job as disciple-makers to pull that person aside and urge him to go to the Lord and abide. The subsequent awareness of the fact of Christ’s indwelling that is living through him will free him from the deeds of the flesh. (“If perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth,” II Timothy 2:25.) It has been proven that continually emphasizing a person’s deeds of the flesh will never set him free from the flesh. (“But the sorrow of the world produces death,” II Corinthians 7:9.) Believers ought to be disciplined in recognizing Christ. It does take time to teach that understanding; Jesus spent three-and-a-half years with his disciples. However, the fruit of taking this approach is verifiable, for Jesus said that the Father prunes. To say it another way, when we abide, the deeds of the flesh fall off of us. Unfortunately, there are those that will refuse this discipline; they willingly continue in the deeds of the flesh, making themselves an unhealthy leaven in the Body, and at this point to disfellowship them is appropriate. As for the call to spread the message of repentance, it generally is meant to be a call to stop a particular behavior, and repentance is seen as different from forgiveness. The hiccup enters in when Christians do repent and subsequently continue in the same behavior. This is again where Jesus is tying the hands of man and forcing us to a life of abiding, for only the living Christ within can make a permanent change in behavior. Therefore, the message of repentance without the message of the indwelling Christ is incomplete and will not be attainable.

Bad Memory is Godliness

“I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgression for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins,” Isaiah 43:25.

There are two things in the passage that strike me. We are made in the image of God, Who says, “I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake.” When those to whom you minister, those who minister to you, those you minister with, and those to whom you will never minister do something to hurt you, the thought of the transgression can haunt you for years. It only takes a name being brought up, an event of the past, or a painful experience to renew the transgression. If the hurtful person completely disappears from the scene, never to be heard of again, he can still take up residency in your head and heart. As I often note, the purpose of forgiveness in the Bible is restoration. However, there are those who do not want restoration; hence, they would see no need for forgiveness. There are relationships I have tried to restore in the past by asking for forgiveness, only to be told of more offenses and to stay away. For my own good, I need to forget. Oh, to able to forget, to wipe out a transgression, to remember the sins no longer, just for our own sakes. When I got married, Betty quickly realized what was ahead of her, for each day I would ask, “Have you seen my keys? Have you seen my wallet?” Everything would shut down while we looked. Then a few years ago I got glasses, and we have added them to the list of things that are lost daily, along with a cell phone and the key to the mailbox. You get the picture. “Betty, have you seen my keys, wallet, glasses, phone, and key to the mailbox?” One day, justifiably, she said, “Can’t you remember anything?” I jokingly said, “Forgetfulness is a sign of godliness. Only God could wipe out transgressions and remember no more, and we are in His image. I am glad that in His image, I can forget. I just do not want to remember everything from my past, and if not being able to remember where my keys are is part of not remembering, then it is a fair tradeoff.” You can see why I can be difficult to live with! However, to forget is a great blessing. Research (if it can ever be trusted) says that the average person only loses about 10% of the ability to remember. The difference is that past age 60 it takes more physical effort to correct the forgetfulness. In the younger years, we forgot the mail and thought nothing of running back to get it. In the older years the extra effort is a frustration. My grandfather used to complain about his memory loss, and I would remind him that I had worked with him most of my life and never remembered his having a razor-sharp memory, only now it was annoying him. Start this day knowing that the Lord wipes out your transgressions for His own good. He does not want to think about your failures all day long, so why should you? Second, He does not remember your sin; it is the enemy coming from your past. Guilt is the undertaker’s best friend.

Divorce and Bitterness

When I talk to a brother or sister contemplating divorce, I immediately explain how he or she is presently feeling. The response most often will be, “How did you know exactly how I was feeling?” Quite simply, I say, I just described the characteristics of a bitter person. The mate’s behavior is not dictating how the person now feels, although he or she believes that it is. Bitterness is the true dictator, a most divisive and destructive force to which many believers have succumbed. “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled” (Hebrews 12:15). “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:31, 32).

What are some of the common signs of bitterness in a relationship? The bitter person is responsible for them, remember, for it is not the actions of others that cause bitterness, but rather a hard heart and ears attuned to the enemy’s voice, providing the soil bitterness needs to grow. There is a difference between being offended and being bitter. We do not find Jesus, the one Man in all of humanity who was offended the most, ever bitter. Blame must rest squarely on the shoulders of the person who is bitter.

Bitterness is an attitude that grows until its roots are entangled throughout the person’s mind, will, and emotions. Any attempt to remove this poisonous plant will be met with resistance through desire, intellectual arguments, and the feeling of hopelessness. Bitterness can even be considered an addiction. There is a soothing inner calm for those who have become accustomed to it, for though everything outside of them seems out of control, they can at least control their bitterness and make others pay for the perceived wrongs they have done. The majority of believers under emotional stress will either have an outer or inner explosion (which normally converts into depression), and with the passing of time all is forgotten. However, the bitter do neither of these; their explosions do not pass. They accept a lifestyle, a path that allows them the luxury of avoiding personal responsibility for the remainder of life. A child grows embittered toward the parent, and the more the child fails in life, the more anger he exhibits toward the parent. This is living in a distorted reality, a neurosis. When events begin to pressure the bitter people into accepting blame, they immediately recall all of the wrongs that have been done to them, once again avoiding responsibility. An interesting thing about Christians is that they often maintain their bitterness under the guise of being extremely spiritual, “so spiritual” that God has called them to suffer and be cut off from others, and yet the proof of carnality is that everyone who has disappointed them is covertly punished for the perceived failure.

Bitterness becomes a compulsion, the opposite of which would be the passive blame-taker, whose first response whenever life circumstances get the best of him is to roll over, play dead, and accept all responsibility. Each morning there is the comfort of the known that will take him through the day with the assumption that whatever happens, he is to blame. There is no fear of change. Similarly, but conversely, the bitter can be assured that no matter what, a problem is someone else’s fault.

Yes, bitterness is an addiction that can be likened to smoking cigarettes. When someone starts that habit, he can smoke when he desires: after dinner, at a party, or during leisure times. However, soon enough something very interesting happens. Instead of exercising free will, the smoker heeds the domineering command of a cigarette and goes whenever it calls. At this point, there is addiction. A glorious creature created to listen to the Father above listens instead to a cigarette below. The creature is a slave to a new master. When the misery of this revelation sets in, the smoker begins to make a series of vows and smokes hundreds or even thousands of what become known as “the last cigarette.” Soon there develops frustration, anger, and even depression.

At first bitterness is used as an excuse, but with the passing of time, bitterness uses its holder. The fact most evident, yet rarely discerned by the bitter, is that whoever they are bitter toward has become their god. While in the wilderness, Jesus heard Satan make the request to “fall down and worship me.” The word “worship” means to give attention. Jesus said no! Only God, the Father, would have His attention. Most of us have been hurt by others, but is making those others our gods by continuing to give them our attention not a greater tragedy? Do we want to worship those who offend, abuse, use, and neglect us?

Jesus gives commands not in order to make us more acceptable to God but to make us happy. Forgiving makes any person happy! When we forgive, we rule! When we do not forgive and become bitter, others rule us! The command to love is not for the good of others, but for our own good. What a deception the enemy imparts, that to obey will hinder our happiness. A paramedic once made the observation that he had never had an emergency call from a Bible study, yet he had received many calls from bars and parties. Does the disregard of the commands make us happy?

Bitterness is oppression. The embittered person is oppressed by the enemy, who has invested many hours of whispering about the supposed misery caused by others. The most predominant trait of the bitter is that he considers himself a victim, having had to suffer and go it alone without help, support, or respect. He is isolated, forced to a place of self-sufficiency. No one even cares, and he is angry.

This attitude of bitterness can begin with a dislike, or even hatred, of one’s mate, but soon turns into hatred of the opposite sex. Women are complainers, impossible to please, picky, manipulators, non-submissive, rebellious, and dominant; they only care about seeing a paycheck, they lack respect, and a man never knows what he is coming home to. To a bitter wife, men are proud, insensitive, arrogant, passive know-it-alls who only care about themselves, sex, and having their egos continually stroked; they are slow to fulfill their responsibilities and cannot do things right. Soon, both decide that they can live without sex, communication, approval, or support from their mates. I have personally discipled couples that mutually decided through bitterness to withdraw sexually from one another for periods of more than twenty-seven years, and some were pastors, at that! These attitudes will often be communicated to the children of the couple through various overt or covert messages, resulting in many today being fearful of the opposite sex.

The addiction of bitterness takes surprisingly little time to become a person’s comfort zone. It is actually easy to withdraw and put the mate under the magnifying glass, waiting for the next word or action that will confirm the negative assessment of the relationship and the hopeless state of the mate. I have been amazed how frustrated a bitter believer becomes at the suggestion that his mate may not be as bad as he believes; he hates to hear such a thing! And as I draw attention to the bitter one’s inability to love in spite of offenses, the conversation is immediately turned away from his failure back to the inexcusable behavior of the other. I can only ascertain that this type of person has every intention of remaining bitter.

Finding the way out of bitterness requires the revelation that the person toward whom we are bitter has become, through inappropriate attention, our god. Where there was one problem–the other person’s despised behavior–now there are two, for self-hatred also arises when worshipping someone that caused offense. The third problem occurs when the actions of the one toward whom we are bitter begin to control our actions and even our personality, making us a distortion, no longer ourselves. The behavior of the one that “made us bitter” is blamed for all behavior. “If only you knew what had happened to me, you would be acting even worse than I am right now.” “Of course I am not sleeping with you; do you not understand my pain?” “Of course I am in a bad mood; under similar circumstances you would be in a bad mood, too.” The person that caused the bitterness is in control of every aspect of the “sufferer’s” family and relationships. However, Jesus tells us to love an enemy and pray for those that persecute; by so doing, the enemy will remain the same, but we will walk away free.

I was told of a man who, upon hearing of the hurricane in New Orleans, immediately got in his truck to bring a family to his state and help them get started in a new life. He had trouble finding a black family that wanted to live with a strange white man from the north, let alone in his basement (they do not have basements in New Orleans). At last a pastor persuaded an old woman, her daughter, and granddaughter to go with the man. They arrived to discover the white man lived in a mansion, and the basement had been completely redone for them; it was a walkout basement with a beautiful view. The family had never been in such surroundings. Six weeks later, the white man found the old woman in the kitchen weeping. He approached her, put his arm around her, and said, “I am sorry! Are you homesick? I know it had to be hard to leave everyone you knew! Is there something here that you want changed that is making you uncomfortable or unhappy?” The old woman looked up with tears flowing and said, “None of those things are bothering me. See, I was raised to hate white people, and all my life I have done a good job of it. Yet your kindness has proven me wrong, and I am so sad that I would have acted and talked that way.” His love had broken the stronghold that bitterness had on her. Now her family is settled on the east coast, and the two families take turns annually hosting one another for Thanksgiving dinner!

I must repeat myself over and over again: Anything that can be done without Christ cannot be Christian. We cannot love an enemy but must ask Him to love the enemy; we receive the victory that He gives by simply walking across the room and loving. Often I will be in a place where someone has developed hatred toward me. Inviting Jesus along, I go over and start talking to the person, asking his opinions, what work he does, what about his children, his take on the government, and more. At first his head appears to be spinning with a real look of confusion, for on the one hand, it was settled in his mind and emotions that I was some kind of deceiving monster. On the other hand, I cannot be completely hopeless, because we have found common ground. This is Christian life; the first person to lose is the first person to win. Take up your freedom and walk away from bitterness.

Got a Word?

Jesus, Please Make Me a Bipolar Manic-Depressive!

He Will Blot Out Your Name

Laws, laws, and more laws

Contrast

Being Like God

Next Page »